Getting Older = Less Enthusiasm ?

 

Hi, long time no see you guys here. How have you been ? I am doing good myself and I hope you do too. Been occupied by a lot of things recently, so I haven't been able to write something here as frequently as last year. But I am trying to post something again today. Hope you guys will like it.

As I just celebrated my birthday last month, I feel like I am getting older by a year but why do I feel not as enthusiastic as when I celebrated my birthday in my teenage years ? Hahaha it may sound silly for several people, but yeah I feel that I was sad and afraid before my birthday was coming. And when the day was coming, the feeling of insecurity, not achieving enough, not good enough, feeling older, anxious and even emptiness was real and hit me hard hahaha. 

It also happens on other occasions, for example Eid Mubarak fest. When I was younger, the Eid Mubarak vibes sparkled in me. Being able to meet, greet, spend and share the beautiful moment together was such a wonderful feeling. But, in recent years, based on my experience, the Eid Mubarak moment still sparkled the wonderful feeling but also the anxious one. The fear of being compared to your relatives life and yours, being asked for the questions you did not want to answer because you do not even know the answers yet and many other things instead of enjoying the moment itself. 

The feeling of unenthusiasm haunted me also in the relationship. I mean the relationship among the family, friends, and also someone special. As I get older, I prefer to live alone, just myself in a different city. As an adult I would like to have more time with myself, getting to know myself better. And they let me be alhamdulillah. 

The relationship between my friend  and I decreased once I got older, at my age most of my friends are busy with their own family and work. And as a single I was struggling with my own business also. Finding free time was nearly impossible at this time to just say hi and get a good Coffee outside or hangout. And I am feeling less enthusiasm to reach them out because of that. I think that was a part of understanding, I mean by not getting involved in their lives and business. But it does not mean that I totally forgot and do not care about them. Also we can meet on special occasions one day. Do you guys feel the same way as me ? 

Lover ? hmmm I don't know whether I can deliver this kind of insight or not. But based on what I am feeling recently, when I get older and busier finding a lover may be the least needed thing in my life recently hahaha. Being introverted may be another reason for my single life at this age Lol. Fear of being unloved and not good enough haunted me during my teenage years and it got worse when in reality I witnessed a lot of toxic & bad relationships happen to the person I know or maybe my relative even when they start it with love. They love each other but as time goes by, the love is gone. I know not all relationships end in a chaotic way, there are a lot of beautiful relationships out there. Also, relationships between 2 adults are not only built by love but also commitment, belief, loyalty, trust and responsibility. But why do I feel less enthusiasm when I get older to find someone ? hahaha. But I am still positive thinking that one day I will find the right person at the right time according to Allah. 

I think that all my today’s updates are about life. Hahaha hope to see you again in the next post everyone. Stay healthy & happy 🫶

Sincerely, 

Elviera 🌷